My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
