eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
