It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
