Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
