So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
