you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
