someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
