I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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