I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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