I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We are all done wearing pants today
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