Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
