My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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