all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
