I wish I only lived at night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
