you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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