cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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