My brain says no but my pants say off.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
