Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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