I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She needs sedatives and a leash
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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