Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
