omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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