Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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