I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
