Your mouth is God's brothel.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
