you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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