Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
