How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
