A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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