We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
