Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
