Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
