there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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