mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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