She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
