And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
