do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
