You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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