just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
