You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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