forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
