Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
