Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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