I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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