She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
