The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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