Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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