But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
