my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish you could order shots online.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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