I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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