I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
porn star boner night. come get it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
