I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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