I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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