i barfeds in our rink
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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