i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
