saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
