Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
