I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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