I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
