make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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